“Oh, how can I explain
This new feeling within myself
So insecure, yet so strong and brave
I move on towards my fate”

Virtual Symmetry – Odyssey

So today it is time to another post. This will be another one connected to the journey/road theme. When I registered this page I actually had a total different plan about  what I thought i´d write about. But hey… I think you already got this „without a map“ thing I am trying to live by now and so I spontaneously decided to take a different route.

Still at the beginning of this part of my journey but so far I really enjoyed.  Especially as I met  fantastic people while just traveling along. This post is dedicated to them, the people who have been companions on this road the last two weeks and inspired me to take this step (small step for mankind, huge step for me…) and click on publish. Thank you – you know who you are! 

But here is the thing I realised, and that all of us should be aware of: this is your road, your journey! There will be people around you for some time, some staying with you all the time, some are just there for a small part. Some will take your hand and lead you. Some will even lead you astray. But the person that will travel with you from the beginning to end is… YOU.

Having spend most of my life in not really understanding why people like me, as I did not like myself that much, I am  now at a point where I am trying not to care anymore. I could say where I do not care anymore but that would be a big lie. And to be honest the more people I tell about this blog and the more people read it the more I become scared again. Scared about the constant judgement. About you, dear reader, thinking that this is not any good and how an earth I ever thought I would be good enough to be writer. I really liked to just turn around and run to the beginning of this and hide somewhere. BUT then I remember: this is MY journey. And as I quite clearly stated as a description on the fist page: these are my thoughts and this is my (messed up) mind. So if you expect me to write something different… how could I? Because I am me. And i cannot be someone else. And actually (huge surprise there for myself) don’t wanna be some else any more. 

And yes I have spend most of my life searching for others to live my life for me or at least tell me where to go and what to do. Because it is much easier to be lead by others and to ask them which way to go. And sometimes it is not a bad thing. Sometimes it helps. But what I have done way too many times is to walk into a direction I actually did not wanted to go to. Or better said in which I thought I wanted to go as my mind told me so, but my heart actually told me something different. Not feeling valuable enough to trust my own instincts. And ending up regretting things or being angry on myself for not following my heart. To listen to those on the road with me. Some of them I now realise did not know better, some of the did actually only have their own goal in mind. Obviously speaking our own mind, walking your own road and living up to your own standards sometimes is the hardest road you can take. Well for me it definitely is. BUT if I do not walk this road on my own with myself, starting to actually like me and be ME, it would not be my journey, but someone else’s.  

I am thankful for the companions I met on the way (and those I am yet to meet) and I decided if traveling with them gives me happiness, I try to keep them around. And yes, I had to learn, that sometimes after you travelled together for a while it is time to part ways. Maybe you are drifting apart as you have to take different roads now and live on separate ways. Maybe you will meet again when your roads cross again. Maybe they will leave the journey because their road came to and end and they left this life. It is okay to feel sad about losing people. Keep the memories about the journey you did together and try and go on with your own life anyway.  Live your live, try to enjoy each and every part of the road. And if you enjoy being with yourself and remember that this is your journey,  you don’t need to be afraid to say goodbye.