Today I would like to tell you a true story. This one actually happened when I was about I think about 8 years old and visited the second class of school. One day my mother got called into school by my teacher as I apparently did not do any homework.

My mother got quite confused as I always insisted that there was no homework we had to do. 

So, what had happened there? Well simple enough our teacher told us that as a homework we could do for example page 7 exercise 4. And little me decided very clever that if we could do it we actually had the choice not to to it as well. 

My mum told my teacher that she was using the wrong words for my little brain to understand and from that day on it was „Children as homework you can do this and that, you Ally, you have to do it“.

Funny as this little anecdote might be I think it results in two things: first me as an adult being a bit cross with my parents that they did not sign me in for a law study that day so I would become a bad ass lawyer with already paying attention so much detail to every little word. Second and way worse: I feel like I somehow did not get the distinction between „you can“ and „you have to“ any more. If I am good at any thing or if am at least capable of doing something I have to do them as well. Without considering if I really want to do them. I have to. Because I can.

So when you do things, are you asking yourself sometimes why you do them? Is it because you can do them? Or is it because you have to do them? 

Me regarding „you can do“ and „you have to do“ as the same thing might be one of the reasons I am keeping those on the road with me that I should not (referring to my last blog about the „art“ of saying goodbye here) Because I know that I could keep them with me on the journey. Even though they are not good for me or weigh me down: as long as I am somehow capable of taking them along maybe I feel I have to.

But did you realize that with all this „can do“ and „have to do“ one important part is missing? One I forgot about all those years. Can you guess which one? Yes- the „want to do“. Always trying to to the things I could and therefore had to to I missed out a lot on the things I really wanted to do. I am now starting to do those things. For example this blog is something I really want to do. I can do it (being able to write and having a basic knowledge of technology to put it online) but I don’t feel I HAVE to do it for another purpose than it bringing me joy. 

There actually has been a time in my life when I was not well at all and had to get help by some professionals. I just recently remembered something my music therapist (great form of therapy, you should check to out) told me. If you are not familiar with music therapy: I was able to choose from a huge amount of instruments to try out or could just sing along while he played the guitar. Well as I once tried to learn the piano I instantly have been drawn to the keyboard in the room. Trying to find a rhythm on it and to follow those rules and scales I once learned in musical theory. He than asked my to try some other instruments and after a while pointed out that I am much happier and more at ease while plying the kalimba (an instrument I never even saw before and just played on instinct) than while playing the keyboard. Again I tried to stick to what I somehow are able to do. 

So now I have realized two principles I used to act according to: doing things because I can and playing the keyboard instead of the Kalimba.  

Let’s just see how I can use this new knowledge on my journey. And you dear reader please ask yourself just once in a while if you are doing the things in your life because you believe to have to or because you want to.

That is me for today. Thank you for traveling with me 

A.