Lonely = unhappy because you are not with other people Alone = without other people Cambridge Dictionary

“What would you think if I sang out of tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
And I’ll try not to sing out of key
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends”

With a little help from my friends – the beatles

My dear travel companion (well as you are reading this blog you are coming with me on my journey so guess this this is the best way of addressing you, don’t you agree?) – today is a very honest insight into my little beautiful messed up mind – so spoiler alert: close the page now if you don´t wanna discover my deepest insides.

Let me start todays post with a very personal confession: when I was a child I was scared of being alone. Not like the normal fear of being left alone I guess we all suffered from more or less but I was dead scared. I just imagined something bad would happen when I was all alone. I do not know if I really wrapped myself around my parents ankles and begged them not to leave me alone or if this was just a part of a reoccurring dream, as I am pretty sure the vampire trying to kill me as soon as they were gone is definitely not a memory but a memory of a dream. Well, I ended up luring the family dog into my room to have someone with me. But as soon as she ate up all the treats I lured her into my room with she got restless and wanted to be let out of the room again. 

Oh and maybe I should make it clear, that my parents haven’t been like bad parents, leaving me alone all the time and they always came back at the exact time the told me to. 

But I still remember this feeling. Of being left alone on my own. With no other company… Just left there for vampires or other strange creatures to kill me. (Yes, I had a very vivid imagination.) 

When I grew older I got less scared about being killed by vampires (especially when they became quiet en vogue) and embraced the feeling about alone and being an outsider as some of us just do during adolescence. And as years passed by I used to have people by my side but no one I really bonded with (and yes, I know the reason for that, but that’s a story for yet another day). People you let into your life are very dangerous for a couple of reasons. For example the closer they get the more they can hurt you. And just imagine they come so close that they start to see you for you you really are? And then they will just leave you.

And isn’t it just easier not to bound with someone if you know they won’t stay anyway? (Kind of Sonata Arctica – „Talluhlah“ feeling, no? „Tallulah, it’s easier to live alone, than fear the time it’s over…“ And hey if you don’t know the song… I invite you to listen to it.)

So instead of fearing solitude I somehow chose is at an option for myself, not letting those near me really into my life. 

But here are  some things I did learn the last years and even more though the last month: 

First of there is a huge difference between feeling alone and being alone. Just because your are lonely (see definition above) does not necessarily mean that there is no one who cares about you or who doesn’t think about you. There might be people around you that won’t write to you every day or will not call you on a daily basis or maybe never. But that does not mean, that they are not with you somehow.

Second: when you stop hiding yourself behind masks and stop pretending to be someone who you are not (for example when you admit that you are not strong all the time and don’t have all the answers all the time). Yes, people will see you for who you really are and (that’s the really weird part here) they might actually like you.  Especially if you think you are full of flaws – because let’s admit it – we all are. And maybe don’t be so selfish do make their decision for them – they are pretty much able to chose for themselves if they still wanna be your friend or not.

Third: Drop the I am so strong and independent act. Yes of course it might seem so much easier not trying to bound to others and not to rely on anyone but yourself BUT (and yes, this came to me as a huge surprise as well) it is way more fun with others around you. And go and ask your friends to help you once in a while. They will eventually try do. 

Fourth: You can’t stop people from entering and leaving your live. And I would lie if I would tell you that there are some people around me with whom it would not hurt me a lot when they embark on a different journey one day. But hey – maybe let’s try focusing on the moment and enjoy the memories you make right now. Because they at least will stay forever.

So to sum it up: when you are stuck on your pass and think you are all alone – just call out into the woods – maybe there will be someone coming over. And even if they will not cut the branches for you they might lend you their garden sheer for a moment. 

So – thank your for reading and have a nice time – till we meet again

A.