“The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are,
The second greatest is being happy with what you find.”

Oscar Auliq-Ice

Let’s start todays post with a question: do you like who you are? All the time? Do you accept your little flaws and faults? Do you sometimes think things that might be considered naughty or not nice? Did you ever do something „forbidden“ and liked it? 

Let’s all admit it – we have our nasty side in us sometimes. But can you be still be happy when you discover this side in you? Are you trying to hide it? Before others and before yourself ? I guess especially when you have had a religious or conservative upbringing you might be very familiar to feeling guilt whenever you detect some desires that go against that moral code.

There are some feelings still linked to a negative connotation. Feelings like for example like anger, rage, envy, pride, jealousy, desire. And even if I try to write something about that these feelings are alright to have and just might come as the most natural thing in certain situations I can feel something holding me back publishing this. (I actually started this post many times already without finishing it). 

And yes I am of course aware that many people say, these „negative“ emotions can hold you back and if you free yourself from them you will lead a better life that is more fulfilled. 

But what if fighting the fact that you indeed have such feelings makes it just harder? That holding them back makes it just worse?

Anger for example is a feeling that I wasn’t familiar with at all. Well obviously I KNEW what anger was, but every time I started to feel angry I pushed it way down into a box inside myself in a secret place. Because being angry brings you nowhere. And honestly maybe the feeling was just too strong of me to know how to handle it. I have been in my thirties when I first really shouted at someone. And i tell you something: it felt good! And coming int that same situation again I would do it all over again.

Jealousy… who of you hasn’t been jealous in their live? Not even once?

Desire… that’s actually a very controversial topic. Ever desired something or someone? Is it bad when you feel attracted to someone? Maybe someone who is in a relationship, is way younger or way older than you? Someone of the opposite sex? Someone forbidden? Maybe you are in a relationship yourself. I recently had a heated conversion with my colleague (the one who does not believe that man and woman can be just friends (if you don’t know whom I am talking about maybe read my post „love“). There is this guy that I am somehow attracted to (haven’t figured out yet why, but honestly he just vexes me) but it’s the way it is. My colleague is absolutely livid on how I can just admit it. And she cannot understand I even told my husband about it. Well actually I decided I have two choices: first one: trying to lie to myself – second one: being absolutely honest to myself (and in this case those around me (I even told that guy). 

And to my very own surprise being honest to myself made me feel so much better! 

Pride…. Oh dear… this is a feeling rather forbidden in my family. Pride is something you should not have. If you have achieved something good its mainly due to the circumstances not to your own doing! (Failing in something on the contrary is very much related to you and not in any way linked to the circumstances). So feeling proud of something is a rather new sensation for me. But it took sometime until I could accept this from me. 

As you can see- I am recently discovering more and more about myself and yes – I do not like it all the time. But I try to accept it and I guess after acceptance there will be a kind of liking. 

So – today I have a task for you: listen deep into yourself to your „bad feelings“. And just accept it and well… maybe just act on it. Maybe it is the desire for a glass of wine  that you know will give you a headache tomorrow. Or that piece of cake you should not eat as you are on a diet. Maybe you are angry on another person. Maybe your are jealous. Allow yourself to feel this right NOW. Don´t be ashamed or hold back anything. I promise it won’t make you a bad person. If it makes you anything then it is the following: a human being! 

 Thank you for trying to keep up with my beautiful thoughts in a messed up mind or today maybe it’s more of messed up thoughts in beautiful mind. 

Until the next time

A.