“I seen ya I seen ya I seen ya ’round for a long long time
I really I really I really remember when you drank my wine
Why can’t we be friends?
I seen ya I seen ya I seen ya walkin’ down in Chinatown
I called ya I called ya I called but you did not look around”

Why Can’t We Be Friends – Smash Mouth

Hello my dear friends,

i am back – back with a new post and back with inspiration to write. After my little writers block (read Nothingness and randomnness if you haven’t yet), i am very glad that the muse did indeed decided to kiss me again. Sometimes all you have to do is to be true to yourself. And admitting some truth to myself, which i might have liked to stay hidden even to myself, cleared my mind in the end.

And finally it is here – my post about friendship. A topic i wanted to write for quite a while now. Inspired by things that have been said to me and some conversations i had. 

In this post i want to dig deeper into the origins of friendships, the different stages or levels and of course i wanna share my own personal thoughts with you. So sit back, relax and enjoy.

Let me start with telling you that this post started with a little lie. Hidden within the first four words. Found it? Yes, exactly, it is the word „friends“ i used when welcoming you. Because quite frankly i don’t think i would refer to all of you as friends if asked in real life. As i am someone who uses this word very rarely, if i call you a friend – congratulations- you are someone really dear to me. Might be a cultural thing, might be a personal thing, but it is what it is. There is this guy i know with whom we had the funniest conversation a couple of months ago. He always referred to me using the term friend. So one day i asked him why he is using this word. He looked at me with utter shock, asking „so we are not friends?“ (If you read this dear, i will now assure you, yes we are friends and i am very happy that we are.) 

This was such a key moment, making me realize that people have a different conception of the meaning of friendship. And it made me wonder, where does the term „friend“ originally come from. 

The origins of friendship 

The word “friend” finds its roots in Old English, a Germanic language spoken between the 5th and 11th centuries. In Old English, the term was spelled as “freond,” derived from the Proto-Germanic word *frijōną, which meant “to love” or “to be affectionate.” This linguistic ancestry reveals that the concept of friendship was closely associated with affection and care from its very inception.

To truly understand the origins of the word “friend,” we must delve into the ancient societies where human bonds and relationships played a crucial role. In antiquity, friendship was not merely a casual acquaintance but a deeply cherished and often sacred connection. The ancient Greeks, for instance, had a profound reverence for friendship. They used the term “philos,” meaning “dear” or “beloved,” to describe their closest relationships. 

Similarly, in Roman culture, the concept of “amicitia” denoted a profound and often lifelong bond between individuals, marked by loyalty and trust. 

As languages evolve, so do the meanings of words. Over time, the word “friend” underwent semantic shifts and adaptations, reflecting changes in social structures and cultural norms. During the Middle English period (11th to 15th centuries), the term “friend” retained its core meaning of a close and trusted companion. However, it also started to encompass a broader range of social relationships.

In modern English, the term “friend” has come to represent a wide spectrum of connections, from casual acquaintances to intimate confidants. This expansion of meaning mirrors the evolving nature of human interactions in contemporary society, where technology and globalization have introduced new ways of forming and maintaining friendships.

For me this new use of the term gives me a slight headache. If everyone i meet is a „friend“ how can i distinguish if someone really likes me and i am special for this person, or if this is just the „tag“ she/he gives to all the people in his/her life. Especially when we look at social media, where we use Facebook to „friend“ and „unfriend“ people and suddenly have 203749120 friends. Suddenly you are friends with people you haven’t even met. For me a word like „connection“ would be more adequate. Somehow you are „connected“ to those people, as you have similar interests, or you work together, went to school together or maybe really are friends,

But not only did the meaning of the term „friend“ change over time, the concept of friendship and the words used to describe it differ across cultures and languages. For example, the Japanese word “Tomodachi” refers to a friend but also conveys a sense of camaraderie and trust. In contrast, the German word “Freund” is used specifically for a close friend or romantic partner, while “Bekannte” describes acquaintances.

See – i told you that it might be my culture, distinguishing two levels: Friend or  Acquaintance. 

The levels/ stages of friendship 

Someone dear to me, whom i regarded as very close friend, once told me that he did think, that my reaction to something was „a bit too much for our level of friendship.“ To be absolutely honest until today i have no clue what he meant by that. But it made me think if there are indeed levels of friendship. When i googled it i immediately stumbled upon many articles,  of which i would like to share two with you.

One is by Niels Bohrman¹ (see link section for the whole article), who the levels as following:

• People You Recognize
• Acquaintances
• Casual Friends
• Close Friends
• Intimate Friends

The second one is by vocal.media². Here we find a friendship pyramid:

Not only those two, but most of the articles agree that a friendship goes from stranger to people you recognize to casual friends to close friends to intimate friends. Quite interesting, don’t you agree. And spoiler alert, if i call you a friend of mine more than once you have at least reached friendship level 4 aka close friend. 

Definition of a friendship

But what defines a friend? If you remember i asked you this question a few weeks ago. And each and every one of you gave me similar answers. Here are some of the points that popped up:

• Mutual Respect: A fundamental aspect of any friendship is mutual respect. Friends should respect each other’s thoughts, feelings, boundaries, and differences. Respect forms the foundation for trust and open communication.
• Trust: Trust is crucial in a friendship. Friends should be able to confide in each other, knowing that their words and actions will be kept confidential and that they can rely on one another.
• Communication: Effective communication is essential in maintaining a healthy friendship. Friends should be able to express themselves honestly, listen to each other, and resolve conflicts through open and respectful conversations.
• Shared Interests and Activities: Common interests, hobbies, or activities often bring friends together. Sharing experiences and enjoying similar pursuits can strengthen the bond between friends.
• Empathy and Support: Friends should show empathy and provide emotional support during both good times and bad. Being there for each other through life’s ups and downs is a significant aspect of friendship.
• Loyalty and Dependability: Friends should be loyal to one another and dependable. This means being there when needed, keeping promises, and staying true to the friendship even in challenging times.
• Acceptance and Non-Judgment: True friends accept each other for who they are, flaws and all. They don’t judge or criticize harshly but offer understanding and love.
• Laughter and Fun: Friendships often involve a sense of humor and the ability to have fun together. Laughter and shared positive experiences can deepen the connection between friends.
• Equality: Friendships are typically built on a sense of equality, where both parties have an equal say in decisions, and power dynamics are balanced.
• Longevity and Consistency: While not all friendships last a lifetime, many enduring friendships are characterized by their longevity and consistency. Friends who stay connected over the years often share a deep bond.
• Forgiveness: Friends may make mistakes, but forgiveness is often a part of maintaining a healthy friendship. Being able to forgive and move forward is important in resolving conflicts.
• Independence and Boundaries: Healthy friendships respect each individual’s need for independence and personal boundaries. Friends should not feel smothered or controlled by each other.
• Celebration of Achievements: True friends celebrate each other’s successes and milestones, whether they are big or small.

I will leave you with those thoughts for now as this post is already quite long. I still have more thought on this topic in my mind, so i might do a follow up post.

Did you like this one? Any topics you would like me to write about? Let me know.

Thank you for reading and until next time

A.