My dear reader,

welcome back to a new post in english. After some design changes to the website and some posts in german it is time for some post in the language that i quite frankly find it easier to write in. I hope you agree.

Before i start with todays topic i like to issue a warning, as todays post might be a bit controversial. So please do remember that this blog is about my beautiful thoughts in a messed up mind or my messed up thoughts in a beautiful mind, ergo my opinion and my view of the world. You are welcome to disagree.

“Life isn’t a fairy tale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.”

Have you ever lost your shoe? What happens if you do? As i never owned a glass slipper and never lost a shoe at midnight at a ball i am no expert when it comes to this scenario, but i highly doubt that if I would loose my footwear it would be brought back to me by a handsome prince, trying all womens feet in the neighborhood before finally finding me.

Instead i would need to search for it myself if i really wanted it back. Or if someone found it they would most probably make a comment about people littering the street and maybe dispose of it (most likely in the recycling container – remember: glass slipper).

Just like we are all responsible to take care of our own clothes we are responsible to take care of our own life. Spoiler alert: we are not living in a fairytale.

Which not only takes dragons, witches, fairies and magic out of the equation but – and to accept this is one of the hardest parts – heroes and heroines that come to rescue us.

The crude fact is, that the only person who can rescue yourself is: YOU

Because once upon a time, there was no hero. Yes – take your time to let this sink in.

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Each year thousands of people in germany are undergoing psychological and/or psychiatric treatment (including me). I spend some time in a psychiatric hospital, so i know the one or other person who is mentally unstable and needs treatment. One thing common of them all is the hope for things to get better. One thing definitely not in common is the acceptance and willingness to actively work on yourself. There is this dream of just taking a blue/green/yellow pill and all the shit magically disappears. Well, bummer, there is not. There are psychopharmacological products that can help with symptoms but there is still a long list of work you need to do.

Some personal experience: I have been very young when i misinterpreted stuff happening around me/ to me and decided that i need to deal with my problems on my own. That there is no one else that i can burden with them. I took on far more responsibility than was good for such a inexperienced brain. I longed so much for someone to come and help me, someone to rescue me. Skip forward to me sitting in my pychologists office decades later. I told her that i had changed so many things in my life: i had a new appartement in a different city, i got out of the relationship i was in, i was working at a dream job… Still i wasn´t happy. My psychologist said, that there was one thing on my list of things i changed that apparently stayed the same: me! And that if i wanted to be happy i needed to change the ways i dealt with things. Which frankly speaking simply pissed me of. I was so strong throughout all the year and now that i was feeling so weak and had nearly no strenghts left I was the one who was supposed to do all the work again? On my own? That is not fair in any way!! Did i do it though? Yes i did – and i can admit that there are still times that absolutely suck, when i have to be my own heroine again.

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Of course this example is an extreme one, but there are so many people unhappy with aspects of their life. Complaining and whining about them but when you make suggestions about how to improve the situation they do not take the advice. Yes, i know, us germany are world champion when it comes to moaning.

I know it does not seem easy but actually it is: you are unhappy in your current job? Go and get another one. There will be no one calling you and telling you: heya, you haven´t put your profile anyway, but i found you anyway and no i will give you your dream job.

You are unhappy in your relation ship? Well, go and search for a new partner. Or maybe tell your current one. Maybe there could be some changes.

Because once upon a time there was a hero: YOU!

“If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

ru Paul

Once upon a time there was no hero

Yet another aspect of no one coming to to rescue us. Sometimes we feel alone, so utterly and utterly alone. Apart from the fact that we are never really alone and that there is a difference between being alone and lonely (you will find my post about this topic here: Alone but not lonely – the art of not being alone)

Ever felt unloved? Or unwanted?

I really love the the quote by Ru Paul that is the end of each episode of Ru Pauls Drag Race. Because it is a simple but beautiful statement: If you do not love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?

I like to take even one step further: you will not only not be able to love somebody else, but instead you will never feel truly loved. If you do not like yourself, how do you expect to accept the fact. that someone else does?

One of you is automatically a liar – no?

Which makes it impossible for another person to fix this issue in you. You are the one who needs to fill this hole inside of you. Sometimes we meet people, who seem to make us complete. Something about them suddenly quits the longing. Which is a dangerous thing because we become quite addicted to them. Expecting more and more from them, expecting them to heal us, expecting them to rescue us. When they leave the longing is back again and it screams even louder than before.

I had a similar conversation with my current psychologist, whom i consulted, when i lost some of those persons who i thought filled the hole. I told him about the kind of longing for something, this feeling of utter loneliness, this urge to be completed. He informed me that he doubts that this will be ever healed completely. Which is an answer I did not really expect and which really shocked me and i had a good cry in the car on my way back home. See, even i have problems from time to time, to accept there is no hero to rescue me from time to time.

So unfortunately again – no hero to rescue us. Once upon a time, there was no hero… except for yourself. (Read my poem The Pedestal which is addressing a similar topic)

Once upon a time there was no hero…. but there was a villain

Third aspect of this post. And i know – it is a sensitive topic. But please please please stop blaming others for what happened in your life and let them define you.

Yes, maybe once upon a time there was a villain. Someone who treated you like shit, who bullied you, who abused you. But it was once upon a time. It is in the past – let it go. You are no damsel in distress, you do not need rescuing. Do not get me wrong, this is in no way meant as victim shaming in any form or kind. And it is not an excuse for assholes to treat and abuse others. And if bad things did happen to you i am truly sorry.

But if for instance you are a woman over 80 and are still blaming your mother that she raised you with a hard hand and you had a very hard childhood. That woman is long gone. She is not there anymore to call you off when you misbehave in your eyes.

Obviously i am aware, that this is easier said and done and i should explain, that the last part of this post has been brought up by the sheer endless conversations i am having with that elderly woman. But i had to learn this for myself as well. I was bullied in school, abused, sexually molested… and it all left wounds on me. It scared me, it shaped me. And for some time it defined me. Until i decided not to let it define me anymore. Until i decided that i am not a damsel in distress anymore. I decided not to wait for a hero anymore, that will change my past and that will punish the villains in my story and bathe me in gold and jewels. Which was and is a long and hard way. And a way (as already mentioned above) that i had to step on my self.

Once upon a time there was no hero. Once upon a time there was a hero: Myself

I could write more and more about this as there are still so many aspects left out. And i certainly did not take into account a lot of things. But i need to stop the post at a certain post and who knows, if you like the topic i will come back to it another time.

For now there is only one important point i feel i need to add. I know i have written above, that you are the one who will need to do all the work. That no one else will come to rescue you or do your work for you – that you need to become your own hero. BUT luckily enough you do not have to do it all your own. You would be surprised how many people you have in your life that are willing to help you, when you ask them for help.

Asking for help is no sign of weakness – instead it might be the most heroic act of them all

Take care

A.

If you suffer from any kind of trauma or mental issues please seek professional help! There are trained people who will help you! You do not have to suffer or go through any of this on your own!